Positively Anxious
Remember how in the last post I peed on a stick? Well, it was POSITIVE. After 1 year and 3 months I was finally pregnant. The one thing I wanted, to be a mom. I was getting ready for work and decided, "what the hell might as well pee on a stick. What's the worst that could happen?" So I did it. I saw that extra line on the tiny stick that held all my hopes and dreams. It was 5 in the morning, I started crying. That extra line, it was there. I woke my husband up and told him the exciting news! I was pregnant! The excitement set in. Everything I read about pregnancy after a miscarriage said to reserve yourself. Don't tell people. Wait. I just couldn't. I wanted the people I loved to know. I wanted them to know that I was finally pregnant. The excitement was there the entire time, then the anxiety began to sneak up on me.
I had to talk myself down every day that this time would be different. I was going to carry my baby to term. I would get to hold my baby. Six weeks came, I was at work, and I noticed I was bleeding. Not again. Please, no, not again. The panic overtook my body. My thoughts were no longer clear. I had so many thoughts racing through my head. I called my mom crying, she couldn't understand me. Now, I have to calm myself not only to process my thoughts, but to explain to my mom that I was bleeding again. I called my best friend. She tried to calm me down. But, history is starting to repeat itself. Here it goes again. Was I not meant to be a mom? Why is my body failing me? I left work and went to get examined. This time WOULD be different. They drew my blood and did an ultrasound. This time I saw that little cell transforming into a human being. I saw that flicker of a heartbeat. That was my baby. I went to have my blood drawn two days later and that gut wrenching news took over my body again. My HCG numbers dropped. I was sick to my stomach. I cried. The provider told me that a miscarriage was inevitable and I had a couple of options; I could allow the natural process to take place or take a medication to induce the miscarriage process. Angry and devastated, I decided to allow nature takes its course. If I was going to lose this baby, it was going to be naturally. Two more days passed, my bleeding subsided and I still "felt pregnant." So, I took it upon myself to get my blood drawn again. My numbers had increased!! What? How is that possible? How is it that I was told I was going to lose this baby, but my numbers were rising?! I am blessed.
I went to see my OBGYN, anxious, he did a bedside ultrasound. Again, I saw the flicker of heartbeat. I saw that sweet baby bouncing around in my uterus. Tears ran down my face. Anxiety levels slowly decreased. I was pregnant!
I had to talk myself down every day that this time would be different. I was going to carry my baby to term. I would get to hold my baby. Six weeks came, I was at work, and I noticed I was bleeding. Not again. Please, no, not again. The panic overtook my body. My thoughts were no longer clear. I had so many thoughts racing through my head. I called my mom crying, she couldn't understand me. Now, I have to calm myself not only to process my thoughts, but to explain to my mom that I was bleeding again. I called my best friend. She tried to calm me down. But, history is starting to repeat itself. Here it goes again. Was I not meant to be a mom? Why is my body failing me? I left work and went to get examined. This time WOULD be different. They drew my blood and did an ultrasound. This time I saw that little cell transforming into a human being. I saw that flicker of a heartbeat. That was my baby. I went to have my blood drawn two days later and that gut wrenching news took over my body again. My HCG numbers dropped. I was sick to my stomach. I cried. The provider told me that a miscarriage was inevitable and I had a couple of options; I could allow the natural process to take place or take a medication to induce the miscarriage process. Angry and devastated, I decided to allow nature takes its course. If I was going to lose this baby, it was going to be naturally. Two more days passed, my bleeding subsided and I still "felt pregnant." So, I took it upon myself to get my blood drawn again. My numbers had increased!! What? How is that possible? How is it that I was told I was going to lose this baby, but my numbers were rising?! I am blessed.
I went to see my OBGYN, anxious, he did a bedside ultrasound. Again, I saw the flicker of heartbeat. I saw that sweet baby bouncing around in my uterus. Tears ran down my face. Anxiety levels slowly decreased. I was pregnant!
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