Oddly Unfair

I graduated college in July 2016, married my high school sweetheart in November 2016. Hurray for love! in June of 2017 we decided it was time for my life changing Mirena to come out and we were going to start a family! 3 months later.. I peed on a stick and it said “PREGNANT!” I was the happiest girl in the world! I cried, screamed, took “before belly pictures,” started shopping for the nursery, you know, everything a new mom does. Friday, October 13th 2017, I started cramping and bleeding. I had lower back pain, my heart sank. I knew something wasn’t right. Everyone told me “it’s implantation bleeding.” I went to the doctor. They drew my blood, two days later went back and drew it again. My gut wrenching fears were confirmed. I miscarried. “It happens to many women.” “It’s nothing you did. You couldn’t have changed it.” “You’ll get pregnant again.” ”You weren’t that far along so it doesn’t matter. Why are you even upset?” All these statements and none of them made me feel better. I never got to hear the heartbeat or see a small cell grow into a human being. That was taken before my first OB appointment. All I experienced before I lost my future child was seeing the word “pregnant” on a stick. The moment I saw that one, simple, yet powerful word, my whole life changed. I was so in love with my future child. I had so many plans for my son or daughter. I was going to be a mom! The one thing I wanted in life. To be a mom. In the blink of an eye, it was all gone. My entire world was shattered.

My husband was disappointed. To no fault of his own, he had no idea how I felt. Our marriage struggled. I was devastated, my whole world had turned upside down. The child I never got to know was taken, because “this happens.” Doctors, friends, and family are all right, it does happen. That doesn’t take the pain away, that doesn’t mean the dreams of your future child aren’t shattered or that for the rest of your life you’ll see a rainbow and think of the baby you will never get to hold. My favorite “what if” is in heaven, growing, watching mom and dad struggle with all the emotions that have come with this experience. Things will get better, eventually.

I was cleared after my first period to start trying again. So we did. Getting pregnant had now become a task I was determined to achieve. Yet every month I bled, and it reminded me that I was not pregnant. We tried and tried, and tried some more. Without any success. The devastation set in again. Now I can’t get pregnant.