Those Words.

On July 5th, 2019 I went to the MFM US appointment just like I had in the previous weeks. Usually, I had someone to go with me, friend or family, however, this time I went alone. I got into the room, usual routine, warm jelly, picture of itty bitty on the screen in front of me. The tech began to scan, "how has your blood pressure been?" It had been fine since  I was started on the blood pressure medications. There was a couple of time that it was high, but I was cleared in the OB Triage. She continued to scan. I felt in my gut something wasn't right. I tried to remain calm. On the screen, I could see the measurements of my precious daughter. Again, something didn't feel right. At the end of the scan I could see "EDD: October 17, 2019" by initial due date was September 30th, 2019. My baby was measuring 17 days behind. The tech left the room, I began to panic. I was all alone. She returned and explained that the doctor wanted some more pictures and that I was going to have a pre-natal visit afterwards. This wasn't part of my routine. The panic began to rise. Tears ran down my face. Was something wrong? Should I have not waited to come in? Did I do something? She finished the additional pictures and walked me over to the room for the pre-natal visit. The medical assistant came in, hooked me up to the machine to take my vital signs and monitor the baby. She began to ask me a series of questions. After she was finished she thanked me and left the room. Shortly after the doctor came in. I called my mom. I needed someone else to hear this conversation. My husband had not yet arrived to the hospital. The doctor explained that my daughters umbilical cord was having periods of "pausing" or "clamping" and she was not getting the oxygen and nutrients she needed to grow. He explained that this usually resolves itself. However, he was going to admit me, give me steroids, monitor the baby and take another ultrasound on Monday. I felt the overwhelming amount of fear rush over my body. I was only 28 weeks pregnant. My baby wasn't ready to enter the world. I prayed for the best. I was walked over to the nurses station and as I was walking my husband arrived. I was crying. As they began the admission process, they were asking questions I didn't have answers too. "What is your birth plan?' Honestly, at that point I knew I didn't want an epidural, I wanted my husband to cut the cord, and I wanted to breastfeed. I got my first dose of steroids and would get the second dose the following day. My blood was drawn, baby was being monitored, my husband and I were terrified. I began to panic. The baby's room wasn't finished, we didn't have the carseat holder in the car, I didn't bring any outfits, I felt so unprepared. Then reality hit, if my daughter was going to come, she wouldn't be home right away, she's only 28 weeks.